Monday Musings 8.20.12

I am posting so late - it's 10:30pm - so I am sorry that I didn't do this sooner, but at least I'm here, right? I am quite tired after going to a drum circle on the beach tonight (more on that soon!), so I'm going to keep this one short, but I know exactly what I want to write about today:  motherhood.

I love my girls.  I have been home with them since the oldest one was born almost 6 years ago, and I really do love it - usually.  There are many days when the routine just drives me mad and not spending quality time with adults gets to me, but really, that's my own fault.  So I am going to do something about it.

Today was a big wake up call for me because I decided to go on a bike ride with an out of town guest and leave the girls at home with my parents.  Little L was fine - "Bye, Mom," she said, and immediately returned to playing.  P, on the other hand, got tears in her eyes as I first mentioned the possibility of my going, and then when I told her I was leaving, she was hysterical.  I mean, the girl was bawling because I was going on a bike ride for an hour without her.

I felt terrible that I was making her so sad, but come on!  I need a break, especially after this summer of being home with them non-stop.  We decided not to send the gals to camp to help them with the adjustment back to life in NYC, so it's been us and them all summer long.  And the one morning I say that I am going off for an hour, I get the guilt trip of a lifetime.

What's a mom to do?

I think the answer is that I need to remember that separation is important for not just me, but them also.  I feel so strongly that I always want to be "here" for them, but I need to remember that my going out for an hour or two does not mean that I am abandoning them.  Other people can care for them just as well as I can.  Well, maybe not just as well (I am their mom, after all!), but nearly as well.

So, tomorrow morning I am going on another bike ride and hopefully there will be no tears.  If there are, well, it's just a reminder that separation is something we really need to work on, especially before school starts in two weeks!

I'm off to bed now.  If you have any tips for me on how to handle my sweet P, please do let me know!  I need help with this one...

Trip to the Library

I love what happens when we go to the library.

We come home with this:

and the girls do this:

I absolutely love these moments.  There is no screaming or crying or fighting...for at least two minutes.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books from back in the day?  I think they were popular in the late '70s or '80s, and my family had a big collection of them.  "If you would like to open the door on the right, turn to page 31.  If you would like to open the door on the left, turn to page 42."  I have decided I would like a Choose Your Own Adventure book for my life.

I know, I know - what's the fun in that.

But really, I would like to know how one choice or another would effect me and my family in the long run.  I would love to know if one choice would cause mental distress for one of my girls requiring years of therapy as they get older.  I would like to be able to see what would happen if we lived here or there, worked in this job or that job, bought this house or that house...You see where I am going with this?

I often say that parenthood should come with a manual.  Not just one manual, either, but a manual for each child.  I have learned firsthand just how different siblings can be, and having a manual for each would be incredibly helpful.

P's manual would have told us about her desire to suck on things from birth, and perhaps it could have explained what would have happened had we let her keep her pacifier versus forcing her to "find" her thumb.  It would have told us that the Richard Ferber sleep book would work like a charm for her and that she really does require at least 10 hours of sleep each night to be pleasant the next day.  (That sounds familiar, but I would really prefer at least 11 hours.)  P's manual would also have told us a bit about her personality - her sensitive nature and incredible empathy, and how best to support her when really all we want to say is "It's no big deal. Don't worry about it."  (B and I both know that brushing off a child's concerns is not the way to go.  Remember that therapy I was talking about before...)  And now that she is getting older, her manual could teach us about how she will test the limits (cutting her hair during quiet time, for example) and how to deal with each new phase.

L's manual would have had a big disclaimer on the first page (maybe even on the cover) telling us to remember that this little girl is a completely different girl than her big sister.  "Yes, they are sisters," it would say, "but what works for one sister doesn't necessarily work for another sister," it could warn.

L's manual would tell us to throw Ferber's book out of the window, along with every other sleep book, because this little munchkin doesn't require as much sleep as her sister and will not do well with the "cry it out" or co-sleeping methods.  Her manual would tell us that she is just a feisty girl who has a very sweet side like P, but also who can throw a tantrum like nobody's business and that she will try to assert herself at every opportunity.  This manual would tell us to be ready for a battle at almost any turn, but also to prepare ourselves to see the sweet love that P and L give each other...when they are not trying to physically harm one another.

So back to the Choose Your Own Adventure book.  There are some questions and possible major life transitions on the horizon for us, and I just want to make sure we are doing what is best for all of us.  Is that possible?  To do what is best for each member of our little family?

B and I clearly want what is best for our girls, but we have to think about our happiness as well because an unhappy mommy or daddy do not a happy family make.  This is where the book would come in.  It could show me exactly what I want to know.  How will this effect P in the long run?  Will L be okay and go with the flow?  Is our current home the place of happy memories for them that will be crushed if we move to a different home or a different city?  Would they adjust, as many children do, or would they have lingering effects that would weigh on them?  Please, where is my book?

I know, there is no Choose Your Own Adventure book for our family or individual manuals for our girls, so we will have to do what feels right in our hearts and in our heads.  We will have to weigh the pros and cons and take our girls' very different personalities into account, and then all we can do is hope for the best.

We will have to choose our own adventure and see what happens.